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“Blink” Lifestyle: Tinder-itus (A guide to avoiding shit Tinder dates)

Tinder-itus (also known as ‘shockingly bad date syndrome’) is becoming a more broadly recognised condition by the day, so we thought we would help you out with a few tips on how to avoid it… and we are talking from some hard won personal experience here!

Yup, I popped my Tinder cherry way back when this app first came out. Those were the heady days when it was (dare I say) cool, only slightly creepy, and pretty much completely a giggle. It was during this time that I actually made a hasty, late night right swipe decision that ended up in a year of dating one of the most gorgeous blokes I have ever had the honour of considering my beau.

Well, rather annoyingly we have parted ways and I decided to try good old Tinder again. Wowsers there has been quite the change while I have been away. My jaw regularly literally drops at the oddness, fruitiness and unabashed cheating that pops up. There are far too many “are you serious?!?” moments going on, and that’s with the ones I firmly swipe left (after gawping at the shocking contents of their profile obvs)! I do swipe right fairly often, match up with a few of those (seemingly) straight up and unattached men. Heck, some of them even make contact! By the time you’ve been through this sifting of prospects, you’d think you might be in a pretty good place to meet some decent gentlemen right? WRONG! Oh, I have recently endured some of the worst dates of my whole dating life.

In order to help you learn from my mistakes, I’ve pulled together this handy guide…

Crazy eyes, generally mean one thing... It's not complicated! Siamese cat image swiped with thanks from Pinterest

Tinder Guide Point 1) Crazy eyes, generally mean one thing… It’s not complicated! (Cat image swiped with thanks from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide Point 1) The eyes are the windows to our soul it’s said. With that in mind, if his eyes look like they are on the deranged side of things, then it’s highly likely he’ll be a nut job. The same goes if his eyes look stoned, vacant, or over-stimulated. Trust me on this.

Tinder Guide Point 2) heis profile shots are mainly of him in his pants (as illustrated by this 1970s Wolsey mens underwear ad swiped from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide Point 2) his profile shots are mainly of him in his pants (as illustrated by this gorgeously sexy 1970s Wolsey mens underwear ad swiped from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide Point 2) If most of his shots are of him in his smalls, then don’t expect him to intend on taking you out for a nice dinner somewhere posh, giving you flowers, woo’ing you sweetly and wanting to know all about your character. This is especially true if his Tinder pics are ONLY of him in his well worn knickers and his head is not even in the shot…

Tinder Guide point 3) there are shots of him with what appears to be his significant other, even if he is hot 70's Rod Stewart (image swiped with thanks from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide point 3) there are shots of him with what appears to be his significant other, even if he is hot 70’s Rod Stewart (image swiped with thanks from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide Point 3) that lovely lady he has his arms around in several of the shots? She’s not his work colleague. Oh, and if he has his arms around this lady while wearing those pants from point 2 then girl, you had better be feeling open-minded…

Tinder Guide Point 4) he is toting a gun (image swiped from Pinterest with thanks)

Tinder Guide Point 4) he is toting a gun (image swiped from Pinterest with thanks)

Tinder Guide Point 4) Put the gun down. It is not an enticing phallic symbol. It is a scary weapon. If you think this makes you look macho fella, you probably also have scary eyes (see point 1). Girls, you need a man with an arsenal of compliments, good manners and social graces. Not an actual arsenal.

Tinder Guide Point 5) Men and their cars (Tyrone Power with his Duesenberg swiped with thanks from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide Point 5) Men and their cars (Tyrone Power with his Duesenberg swiped with thanks from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide Point 5) If there is a shot of him with a posh car, it’s not his car. He just walked past it and got his mate to take a picture for him. If there is a picture JUST of his car, who is he trying to pull? Jeremy Clarkson??? This man will spend more time buffing his hubcaps than buffing anything of yours. You get me?

Tinder Guide point 6) the crowd shot (image swiped with thanks from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide point 6) the crowd shot (image swiped with thanks from Pinterest)

Tinder Guide Point 6)  all of his Tinder pics feature a crowd. You may have every hope that he’s the hot one. Believe me, he is not. You can either swipe left or hope to match just so you can ask him for the contact details of his mate second from the left…

 

So I hope that my simple six step guide helps all of you single ladies out there to avoid some dating app pitfalls. And Tinder men, pull your blooming fingers out!

Enjoy! Lucy

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